Forgive, but Don’t Forget: Healing Through Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of those words that makes people shift uncomfortably in their seats.

For some, it feels like a command — something they should do, even if their heart isn’t ready. For others, it feels impossible, almost offensive, as if forgiving means erasing the pain or excusing the harm that was done.

But forgiveness, when understood through the lens of healing, is not about pretending it didn’t hurt. It’s about freeing yourself from the grip of that hurt — not for the other person, but for your own peace.

At Designed to Connect, we understand that forgiveness is not a moral checkbox or a quick fix. It’s a process — deeply personal, non-linear, and often intertwined with grief, anger, and courage. It’s about reclaiming the parts of yourself that pain once owned.

The Misunderstanding Around Forgiveness

There’s a common belief that forgiveness means reconciliation — that to forgive, we must welcome the person back into our lives, trust them again, or pretend everything is okay. But that’s not forgiveness — that’s denial.

Forgiveness does not mean:

• Forgetting what happened

• Excusing the harm or injustice

• Minimizing your experience

• Giving someone access to you again

Rather, forgiveness is the conscious decision to stop letting the wound define your present. It’s choosing not to carry the weight of anger, resentment, or bitterness any longer.

In trauma recovery, forgiveness is often one of the last steps — if it happens at all. It cannot be forced or rushed. It emerges naturally, often as a byproduct of healing, when safety, understanding, and compassion for oneself have been restored.

The Two Faces of Forgiveness: Self and Others

Healing invites us to explore two powerful but distinct kinds of forgiveness — forgiving others and forgiving ourselves.

Forgiving Others

Let’s start with the harder one.

There’s a woman I’ll call Lindiwe, who came to therapy after years of emotional abuse from her father. For most of her adult life, she believed she had forgiven him. She even said the words out loud: “I’ve let it go.”

But her body told a different story. Every time she visited home, she’d freeze, her breath shallow, her chest tight. In therapy, she began to see that forgiveness was something she wanted — but she had bypassed the grief, the anger, the acknowledgment of the harm.

Forgiveness, she discovered, wasn’t about saying, “It’s fine.” It was about saying, “It happened, and it hurt, and it mattered — but it no longer controls me.”

That shift — from denial to awareness, from numbness to release — was where her true forgiveness began.

Forgiving Yourself

Then there’s Thabo, a client who had survived a car accident that killed his friend. Even though he wasn’t at fault, guilt became a constant companion. He replayed the scene endlessly, asking himself what he could have done differently.

In therapy, he learned that self-forgiveness is not the same as self-excusing. It doesn’t mean pretending we didn’t make mistakes. It means acknowledging our humanity, holding ourselves accountable with compassion, and allowing ourselves to heal.

Self-forgiveness, perhaps more than any other form, requires tenderness. It means learning to speak to yourself with the same empathy you would extend to a loved one who’s hurting.

Why Forgiveness Matters for Healing

When we hold onto resentment, our nervous system stays locked in defense. The body doesn’t know the difference between remembering harm and reliving it — both can activate the same stress responses: shallow breathing, tension, increased heart rate, emotional fatigue.

Over time, this can become a chronic state of protection. Our bodies remain on alert for danger that’s no longer present.

Forgiveness — not as an instant moment but as an ongoing practice — begins to soothe this vigilance. It signals to the nervous system: “I’m safe now. I don’t need to keep fighting this.”

People often describe a physical lightness after working through forgiveness. Shoulders relax. Breathing deepens. The mind quiets. This isn’t imagined — it’s the body’s way of acknowledging peace.

What Forgiveness Is (and Isn’t) in a Trauma-Informed Context

In trauma-informed practice, we never impose forgiveness. Why? Because true forgiveness cannot come from pressure — it can only come from empowerment.

It’s about agency. The right to choose if, when, and how to forgive.

For some, forgiveness comes as a form of release. For others, it’s setting a firm boundary and never engaging again. For some, it might never come — and that’s okay too. Healing doesn’t depend on forgiveness; rather, forgiveness can emerge naturally from healing.

At Designed to Connect, we often say:

“Forgiveness is not something you do for them. It’s something that happens in you when you stop needing them to make it right.”

That moment — the softening inside, the unhooking from the story — is when healing deepens.

The Science Behind Forgiveness

Research backs what so many trauma survivors already know intuitively: holding onto resentment can keep us emotionally and physically stuck.

Studies have shown that people who practice forgiveness — whether toward others or themselves — experience:

• Lower blood pressure and heart rate

• Reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression

• Improved immune system functioning

• Greater emotional regulation and empathy

Neurologically, forgiveness activates parts of the prefrontal cortex responsible for emotional regulation and perspective-taking. It helps calm the amygdala — the brain’s threat center — reducing reactivity and promoting a sense of safety.

In other words, forgiveness helps the body and brain shift from survival mode to healing mode.

Forgiveness as Integration

Forgiveness isn’t forgetting — it’s integrating. It’s saying, “This happened, it shaped me, and I choose to grow from it.”

Integration means bringing both pain and wisdom into your story without allowing either to dominate. It’s about owning your narrative instead of being owned by it.

When clients in therapy reach this stage, their language often changes subtly but powerfully. They move from:

• “They ruined my life.” to “They hurt me, and I’m learning to reclaim my life.”

• “I can never get over it.” to “I’ll always remember, but it no longer defines me.”

• “I hate that part of myself.” to “I understand why I reacted that way.”

These are the small shifts that mark big healing.

How Designed to Connect Supports This Process

Forgiveness can be complex and deeply layered, especially when trauma or betrayal are involved. At Designed to Connect, we don’t treat forgiveness as a goal — we treat it as a potential outcome of safety, awareness, and emotional growth.

Our approach includes:

• Safe Space for Exploration

  We create a non-judgmental environment where clients can express anger, grief, and resentment without pressure to forgive. Sometimes the most healing step is simply being heard.

• Body-Centered Work

  Forgiveness is felt in the body. Through breathwork, grounding, and somatic awareness, clients begin to release stored tension and emotional pain, paving the way for genuine emotional release.

• Narrative Healing

  By helping clients reframe their stories through compassion and meaning-making, we guide them from victimhood toward empowerment.

• Boundaries and Self-Protection

  Forgiveness doesn’t mean re-exposing yourself to harm. We help clients set healthy boundaries, ensuring safety remains at the core of their healing journey.

A Case Example: The Power of Letting Go

A client we’ll call Nadia once said, “I thought forgiving my mother would mean letting her back in, but it actually meant letting her go.”

She had grown up with a mother whose emotional volatility left her constantly on edge. In adulthood, Nadia oscillated between longing for connection and needing distance.

Through her sessions, she began to see that forgiveness wasn’t a door reopening — it was a release of obligation. She could love her mother from afar, honour her pain without carrying it, and finally focus on her own peace.

When Nadia stopped demanding that her mother change, she noticed something unexpected: her own anxiety began to quiet. The energy once tied up in resentment was now available for healing.

That’s what forgiveness does — it creates space. Space for joy, for rest, for self-love, for new beginnings.

Forgiveness as Freedom

Ultimately, forgiveness is freedom — but not the kind the world often portrays. It’s not instant. It’s not pretty. It’s not passive.

It’s a form of emotional liberation that takes time, intention, and courage.

Forgiveness says:

• “You no longer get to rent space in my mind.”

• “I can remember without reliving.”

• “I am choosing peace over punishment.”

And perhaps most importantly:

• “I am ready to live again.”

Closing Reflection

Forgiveness is not an act of weakness. It is one of the strongest, most revolutionary acts of self-love there is. It’s choosing to end the emotional debt you didn’t create but have been paying on for years. It’s learning that you can hold people accountable and still wish yourself peace. And it’s understanding that sometimes, forgiveness isn’t about saying, “I forgive you.” It’s about saying, “I forgive me — for holding on so long, for surviving the only way I knew how.”

At Designed to Connect, we believe forgiveness is not something to force — but something that unfolds when healing, compassion, and self-awareness are nurtured. When you’re ready, forgiveness will find you. And when it does, it won’t erase your story — it will set you free to write the next chapter.